


Comfort

by Ink_Gypsy



Category: LOTR RPS
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-27
Updated: 2010-02-27
Packaged: 2017-10-07 14:17:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/65953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ink_Gypsy/pseuds/Ink_Gypsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elijah wonders if he'll ever come first in Sean's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Comfort

I'm going to make it this time. I'm sure of it. Only one more minute and I'll be home free. He's coming out of the bathroom, already dressed. Now his hand is on the doorknob.

Icandothis-Icandothis-IknowIcan…and then suddenly it's out, as if that one syllable has a life all its own. "Sean?" He stops at the sound. My brain is telling my mouth to shut the fuck up, but the signals are crossed, and before I can stop them, more words escape. "Do you really have to…"

He turns around to face me. "Elijah?" He's not smiling.

Great. My full name, _and_ no smile, just to let me know he's pissed. In case I couldn't tell.

Dammit Elijah why couldn't you just keep your big mouth shut? You had such a wonderful afternoon with him and then you had to go and spoil it by pulling the same stunt you pulled the last time and the time before that but you couldn't help yourself because you love him so much and you can't bear to see him go and now you've ruined everything and maybe he won't ever come back because he doesn't want to deal with your shit every time he has to leave.

"Well?" he prompts, his usually beautiful mouth now a thin line.

This is the only time he's ever purposely cruel to me. But it's not his fault, I know that. He doesn't want to go back there, but he has no choice. Ally and Lizzie need him, and he doesn't want to alienate Christine or he might lose them. I understand, but it still hurts. Knowing he's leaving my bed and going back to hers really hurts, even though he says there's nothing between them anymore.

I know I should try to be the grown-up I keep telling him I am, just be grateful for the time we have together and consider myself lucky, but it's so hard because I love him so much and when I watch him leaving I get so scared that maybe he'll finally realize I'm more fucking trouble than I'm worth and he'll decide to stay away for good.

And if that happens I'll just curl up in a ball and die.

He's still waiting for me to speak and I'm not able to produce enough saliva in my mouth so it comes out in a squeak. "I-" _don't want you to go. I want you to stay here with me all the time. I know Ally and Lizzie need you but so do I and don't I count, too?. I need to know I'm important to you, that I matter, and won't I ever get to come first in your life Sean -- not ever?_

But then I see the pain in his eyes and I know he's hurting as much as I am, so instead I say the only thing I can think of to make it better for him. "I-I love you, Sean."

Some of the pain in his eyes goes away and the thin line turns into a half-smile. "I love you, too, Lijah," he says. And then he's gone.

I climb back into my bed -- _our_ bed -- and pull Sean's tee-shirt out from its hiding place under the mattress. It's the one he was wearing the very first time he came here and made love to me. When he asked where it was, I pretended I didn't know, and I'm sure he's forgotten about it after all this time. I've never washed it because I can still smell Sean on it, and when I have it next to me I feel close to him even when he's not here.

I lift the shirt up to my nose and inhale, then I slip it over my head. When I wriggle my arms into the sleeves it's like Sean's arms are still wrapped around me, snuggling me against his chest. I'm sure if Sean knew I had the shirt he'd call me silly and sentimental, but it helps me sleep when he's not here, makes me feel safe, like when I was a kid and hugging my Teddy Bear made me feel less scared and alone.

I lie curled up, thinking about what it will be like the next time Sean's here because despite all my insecurities, regardless of the all the trouble I cause him and the fact that I've turned his whole life upside down, I know he loves me. And that he will be back.

But even with that knowledge and Sean's scent to comfort me, I'm still crying when I fall asleep.


End file.
